Xpstein Premium
Upgrade your experience. Get exclusive access to features that help you manage your... reputation.
Choose your plan
Basic
Essential features for casual associates
Premium
Full features for inner circle members
Premium+
For those with everything to hide
Cancel anytime. Unlike federal investigations.
All Premium Features
Verified Badge
Get the blue checkmark that says "Appeared in Epstein Files"
Longer Posts
Write up to 25,000 characters of denials and alibis
Encrypted DMs
Private messages that definitely won't be subpoenaed
Edit Posts
Change your story even after posting
Analytics Dashboard
See how many people are investigating you
Priority Ranking
Your posts appear above the journalists
Hide Ads
Remove distracting ads (but not the lawsuits)
Creator Revenue
Earn from your content (like blackmail, but legal)
Island Access(Premium+ only)
Exclusive virtual tours of Little St. James
Flight Log Editing(Premium+ only)
Remove your name from the manifests
Document Redaction(Premium+ only)
Personally redact court documents
Tape Vault Access(Premium+ only)
See what's on those missing tapes
⚠️ PARODY: This is a satirical subscription page. No actual subscriptions are available. Xpstein is not affiliated with X, Twitter, or any real premium service. We cannot actually help you redact documents or edit flight logs. Sorry.